Blue Sisters & The Desire for Sisterhood
Blue Sisters & The Desire for Sisterhood
a non-fiction piece to cope with being an only child
“A sister is not a friend…you’re part of each other, right from the start.”
-Coco Mellors, Blue Sisters
As I read Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors, it made me dream about the sisters I could have had and the daughters my mother deserved to carry into this world.
The story takes place a year after Nicky Blue’s death and follows her three sisters who are grieving. There’s Avery, the eldest. Bonnie, the middle child and Lucky, the youngest. All grieve differently and on their own until they reunite when they find out their mother wants to sell Nicky’s old home. Each chapter covers a different point of view from one of the sisters and every time you jump from one to another, you feel different emotions and see new perspectives. I smiled, I cried and I somehow felt seen.
When I put the book on my shelf, I looked at all the other stories I’ve read that followed the theme of sisterhood. A pattern started to form in my head as I connected the dots to this mystery emotion I’ve always had in my soul. I tended to connect to the youngest sibling—Esther (The Seven Skins of Esther Wilding by Holly Ringland ), who is lost and unsure about where to go with life and Amy (Little Women by Louisa May Alcott), who wants to achieve her creative dreams as a painter. From reflection, I realised this mystery emotion is grief.
They say maybe in another life time you will get what you were supposed to have. But maybe there are things we are mean’t to have in this one.
My mother has four siblings—two brothers and two sisters. She’d dream of having her children grow up with one another like she did. Riding their bikes around the neighbourhood, fighting and forgiving on another, and sitting around the table for dinner. She struggled to have a child, so my parents explored the IVF pathway with nothing but hope in their hearts.
First time, didn’t work. Second time, didn’t work. Third time, didn’t work. Fourth time, didn’t work.
The fifth time was going to be their last. They were drained, tired, and loosing their hope. However, piece by piece, they were able to put it back together up and their hope was reborn on October 10th 2002.
My household growing up consisted nothing but love, however I was still alone. I had colouring in pencils scattered across the table because no one else was sitting with me and I read aloud to myself so my bedroom wasn’t silent. Of course, my parents made time to be with me but there was only so much they could do. It wasn’t the same as what young me desired to have. I had sisterly figures come and go but life’s truth still left me an only child.
In this lifetime, I believe I was supposed to have an older sister. She would be bossy and demanding but only because she cared. She’d have long brown curls, just like mine and be as tall as me. Instead of my father’s green eyes, she’d have my mother’s blue. She would be more creative with drawing and painting, while I stuck to writing and film. We’d sneak into each other’s room after our bed times for late night talks. She’d hate reading, but would listen to me read out passages from my favourite books. My walls would be covered in her work, I wouldn’t want anything else surrounding me. We would be so different from one another, but that would balance us out and because of that, we would love each other dearly.
I imagine this sister is now at home with the stars. She watches me live the life she was also supposed to have. But she’s found peace with where she is now, and is waiting for us to meet once I’m a star with her in the night sky.